The man who writes the bad checks for this site was recently married and I've had the honor of watching this beautiful flower we call "a wedding" unfold before my very eyes. From the courtship to the threats of quickie divorces I've witnessed it all and been privy to inappropriately graphic behind-the-scenes stories as well.
This has given me an objective insight into the modern American wedding and I feel you young couples out there might benefit from my advice. So here I am, passing unto you what I have learned about the best way to go about getting all hitched up. Enjoy.
Don't register and don't give anyone any present ideas. Rather, tell everyone that their coming to the wedding is "present enough". That way everyone will totally give you money.
Everyone will think you're weird if you have a lasagna instead of a cake, but screw them. Note: the cheese will scald you horribly, so forgo the "pushing of food into new spouse's mouth" thing.
You might think it will be funny to say "I do" in belches... Trust me, it will be the funniest thing ever.
Depending on what state you marry in, you may or may not be required to play "The Humpty Dance" at the reception. *
If during the vows one of you says, "When I first laid eyes upon you, it was like the cool, clean, menthol taste of Camel in the morning", Philip Morris will pay for the wedding.
You might think it'll be funny to have a cake top that totally doesn't look like you- for instance, if you had a cake top that was clearly of a Polynesian couple... but it's not. It's racist.
However, using one of those Mexican "day of the dead" skeleton couples as a cake top will guarantee your entry into the "This Year's Hippest Weddings" annual.
Give all your guests some of those disposable cameras. It's one more damn thing to deal with.
Studies show that a marraige is 78% more likely to end in divorce if there was a conga line at the reception. Be smart: Don't conga.
If the maid of honor passes out in the middle of the ceremony, don't do anything- proceed as normal. Otherwise people will be uncomfortable.
Everyone on earth has that one, absolutely perfect someone waiting for them somewhere. Don't speak to anyone you don't know between the engagement and the wedding, you'll just be asking for trouble.
Branson, Missouri is a wonderful place to spend a honeymoon. Branson, Missouri: "Ya'll havin' fun now, ya' hear?"
When the officiate mentions something about kissing he's referring to you, so listen up.
If you go on your honeymoon to a ritzy hotel on a Caribbean island don't feel bad about perpetuating the long, cruel legacy of colonialism. No really, don't. Relax.
If you spin it right, you can convince your spouse constant, crippling poverty is romantic.
If you go to Hawaii for your honeymoon stop in at Blockbuster and ask how Roy is doing. I'd sure like to know how ol' Roy is doing.
Practice "the kiss' over and over and over again so it looks spontaneous.
Give racist uncle Carl the super-important job of "folding table watch" to keep him out of trouble.
Announcing "we're gonna go do it now" is not a classy way to exit the reception.
Three goats is a pretty good bride price, but unless you want to hear about it for the rest of your life, hold out for four.
Two words: Subway caters.
[*- this joke totally made without any knowledge of what "The Humpty Dance" is at all.]